bad ass kids

One of the most buzzed movies of the Spring has been Kick-Ass, thanks to a great marketing campaign and some amusing redband trailers. The most compelling of these characters is a foulmouthed pre-teen called Hit Girl. If you've seen the trailers you know she most certainly kicks some ass. As a result I've been inclined to make a list of the most badass kids in movies. The only rule be that the character is young enough to order off the kid's menu, so no teenagers allowed. Evil or good doesn't matter


Dishonorable Mention


Anakin Skywalker - The Phantom Menace (1999)


This is not to disparge Jake Lloyd's acting, but a shot at hack George Lucas has become.  Who wants a young Darth Vader screaming yippee.  Little Darth should've been blowing up his fellow podracers and feeding his owner to the sarlacc, while making Jar Jar his bottom bitch.


10. Michael Myers - Halloween (1978)


The opening of John Carpenter's horror classic has a kindergartner stabbing his sister to death as she babysits him.  Sure we don't see him doing anything else, but the fact alone that this how he prefers to spend his Halloween and that not even a child psych can save his warped mind earns a spot on this list.



9. Pancakes Kid - Cabin Fever (2002)


That this mentally disturbed kid knows martial arts is disturbing enough, couple with that his propensity to bite strangers after screaming pancakes at them is more so.  If I've learned anything about stopping at backwood's store from movies is to stay away from the kid with the bango and most defintely stay away from a kid screaming pancakes.  Anytime your dad needs to post a sign outside telling people not to sit next to you should be a cue not all is right with you.

8. Dash - The Incredibles (2004)

This kids knows he's fast and resents his parents from stifiling his talent.  Once allowed to use his skill he opens up an entire can of whoop-ass on Syndrome's bumbling henchmen.  Later he toys with his fellow racing competitors before whooping their butts.  Lastly he continually mocks his nerdy teacher by placing thumbtacks on his chair.  For this Dash is the coolest member of The Incredibles.

7. Girl Zombie - Dawn of the Dead (2004)


Zack Snyder's underrated remake of one of my favorite horror movies starts rather inncoently.  After a night of love making, Sarah Polley and her husband awaken to see the cute little neighbor girl with what appears to be a really bad case of herpes, instead this crazy little girl attacks him trying to eat his neck.  The fact she might have spent all night watching the two get on only helps her case as in the coolest little zombie kid this side of that zombie  baby in Dead Alive.

6. The Mole - South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut (1999)


Perhaps one of the few third or fourth graders to hold such a strong grudge against God.  He smokes and carries a shovel around to make other cower in fear.  The Mole bravely embraces his role to free Terrance and Philip, with only guard dogs as his weakness.  Stan was right in his assesment of The Mole, doesn't lessen his status as one badass kid.


5. John Conner - T2: Judgement Day (1991)


This kid disobeys his foster parents and steals their ATM card to play video games.  He was also mentored by Arnold Schwarzenegger and later Linda Hamilton.  With the help of Arnold he breaks into a mental instiution to break dear old mom out.  Maybe he loses some points for crying before Arnold lowers himself into molten steel.  Regardless little John Connor showed no fear as he faced off against the T-1000.    




4. Boomerang Boy (Feral Kid) -The Road Warrior (1981)


A child of the post-apocalyptic world, his only means of communication are growls and grunts.  These only add to his badass status.  The fact he crawls around the outback and wields a killer boomerang as his weapon of choice make him one of the coolest kids on this list.  Of course just possessing that boomerang isn't enough, that he can put down men three times his size makes him a boy to be reckoned with.


3. Samara - Ringu/The Ring (1998/2002)


Apparently so pissed off at her parent's this psycho child exacts revenge on killing innocent people.  Not exactly normal before her death, she's even crazier after death.  She gets her kicks out of crawling out of televisions and staring at her poor hopeless victims.  I can only imagine what would happen if you stole her lunch money.


2. Mathilda - Leon (1994)

The oldest kid on this list, Mathilda was Natalie Portman's blistering film debut.  So badass is this character she enlists hitman Jean Reno to train her and help her avenge her family's death (well her little brother's death - daddy Luis Guzman isn't exactly a great father figure).  Sure the movie gets odd when she comes on to Leon, but the two form a special type of father-daughter relationship.  What's  most important for this list is how badly she wants to learn how to "clean" like Leon.  Her most badass moment comes when she follows Gary Oldman into a DEA building to kill him herself - well done Miss Portman.


1. Damien - The Omen (1976)


I suppose being the son of Satan puts you in a whole other class of bad guys.  This little booger's presence makes his nanny hang herself at his birthday party, impales priests and decapitates photographers.  Not to mention the demon dog protecting his little butt.  His most badass moment comes when his apparently innocent looking tricycle ride sends his pregnant mother over a railing to killing his unborn brother.  Of course we learn his real mother is a jackal and that his new nanny is also willing to kill for him.  This is certainly one boy you don't piss off.